Okay. I cannot feel badly for myself. I just have to reevaluate. I restricted too much and therefore my body went into binge mode.
So now – I think i need to try completely paleo. Not primal. So that means, no grains, no dairy, no sugar (aside from maple and honey). I can do that for a bit and see if that helps.
Perhaps 1 shake a day. I think it would be ideal to do that for lunch and then allow myself some high protein snacks ONLY because I now have nights to make dinner (and i should. i love it. it makes me feel good. and leftovers!) If I am busy, the shake can be for dinner. But i don’t even have time to enjoy food with elijah anyways… might as well get full on a shake and continue with my day.
more water. that may mean tea. that may mean la croix. i don’t care. i need to hydrate.
i was going to say at least one salad a day. but thats too many rules.
and keep moving once a day.
lets try that. i bet it will work if i can really keep myself to it. the first few days are always the hardest.
So i ate crackers last night. CRACKERS? I felt stress and anxiety because i sat babysitting, allergic to the cats, unable to focus on a book or figure out the TV and I came home and ate. Again.
Today has gone to the shitter too. I think I am trying to cut back and restrict TOO much. It reminds me of the HCG days and those days were filled with binges and self-hate because I couldn’t hold myself to what rules I had set. I think what I need to do is add on instead of take away. January I did paleo pretty well and was happy. I was eating more calories than I think I should have, but I still felt good and full. February I got into macros and calorie counting. Now I am adding exercise. This is a really key component for weight loss. If I focus less on trying to hit a number and more on eating lean meats and veggies when I am hungry and still exercising, I think i will find more success.
God, I wish this was easier for me. I just want to feel pretty again.
I am currently sitting on a hard wooden kitchen table chair, cold, and have been for over two hours now. I can’t figure out the direct tv at my nanny house and anywhere else I sit cat dander will probably kill me. I’m a little cranky. I’m a little tired. I just ate a hunk of camembert cheese that I shouldn’t have.
Today was a bit better. I woke up and intentionally did a mybroadwaybody.com workout video. I sweat, and that was great but I have there weird mental thing that makes me think that that’s not enough. Nothing I am doing is enough. The only time I’ve lost weight is Witt extreme dieting. I’m scared I won’t lose it with diet and exercise. Maybe if I stop with the cheese and chocolate it may help… Maybe tomorrow is going to be a cheese/chocolate free day.
I had a shake for breakfast but has no time for lunch. I did minor snacking again. He baby was a horror show and it was so difficult to whip out the blender and go to town.
When I got home I was more ravenous than I would have liked to be. I felt bingey rather than just hungry. I roasted some carrots and ate a ton and then reheated some chicken. I also had half an avocado while I waited. Yum.
All in all my macros are not terrible but I have to eat each meal and I’ve got to be ore aware of the paleo/primal cheats. Take it easy, Greenberg.
I hope I can get some sleep tonight. I’ve got a busy day ahead!
so I ate cheese before I went to bed last night. I logged everything, felt really great and then walked into the kitchen to turn of a light and then BAM! Not even a minute later and I’m eating a hunk of Parmesan in bed. Shame on me!
But onto today. I did lots of yoga. Took a class. Taught a class. On these days I find I’m more ravenous than normal: remember this!
I had big plans for eating while got foiled by my day and lack of will power. A walk to HeirloomBakery with a blank check and a blessing from Marissa left me a little paralyzed, but I pressed on. Heirloom will exist after I lose the weight. Those treats will continue to be there. I went for a dark chocolate spicy mocha because I need coffee and it felt like a treat without eating a giant homemade pop tart. Good on me for resisting.
But then I go to the rep and the baby is in a meeting and in awkwardly sitting in the office… Next to a bag of gihiradelli chocolate squares…. And I eat one. And the two. And then two more I CANT STOP!
Damnit. My lunch is chocolate. Why is my lunch chocolate?! My belly hurts. I feel guilt. This sucks.
I eat my whole foods salad when I return and do some more little bites here, little bites there in the house. The calories aren’t adding up TOO high. But it’s not the good kinds.
I’m not even hungry for dinner so I burn my tongue on a cup of pacific bone broth and get the hell outta dodge. No more late night snackage! At least I did THAT for myself!!
Well – this morning Shanna came over and taught me how to use the kettle bell I just purchased. Then I signed up for MyBroadwayBody.com and did a workout with Shanna. Check off moving for today! It was a wonderful work out. Now I just have to decide if I an to renew my membership at the gym too. I think it’s wise and if it wasn’t a financial thing I would do it in a heart beat.
I started with my shake with just water and coffee this morning and took my vitamins. The shake actually kept me full for about 2 hours and then I got nibbly. I ate my half of avocado I brought for lunch then and then at 1pm ate my whole foods salad. I felt full through the end of my work day at 4:45pm. I did eat a few bites of Marissa’s homemade soup at around 3pm. I wanted to try it but could not stop at one bite. I had about three – hoping I can avoid future snack attacks like that.
When i got home I found myself wanting to put something in my mouth immediately. I wasn’t starving but I decided to try a spoonful of coconut manna and then have a paleo beef stick. The manna is a ton of fat and sweet(ish). Next time if I snack I will be mindful to make it a protein heavy treat.
I just finished my second shake of the day but this time I used some almond butter and half a banana to make it a bit richer and fill me entirely for the night. It tasted like a full fledged milk shake and I feel satisfied.
The total calories of today added up to 1201, which I was thinking it was going to be less. But one step at a time and I did not eat any junk and I exercised so it is a day worth celebrating.
Well, here we are. I’m sitting here learning Adele’s Hello on the ukulele, eating a chipotle salad, drinking some pinot grigio the wine fairy gifted me saying yet ANOTHER goodbye to cupcakes and junk. This is my third month of my discovery-to-my-happiest-self journey. I’m still fucking sad. Well really, I’m just fat. And I don’t like it. That makes me sad. So why not keep myself accountable through a blog? Why not record what I feel and be able to look back at it?
So to propose the plan for March:
Food wise, I’d like to attempt to replace two meals a day with shakes. I am not sure what meal will be the real food meal, and I do know I will allow paleo friendly snacks if I need them. The shakes will allow me to cut back on calories with restriction. I need structure. I need discipline. I have no will power.
I would like to work out once a day. I will join mybroadwaybody.com. I will rejoin the gym. I will continue to do yoga. I need to stay active every single day in march. Let’s get strong.
I will allow myself time to decompress. I will give myself time to turn off my brain. I will not overbook myself. I will give myself the freedom to say no and not feel guilt. I need this time. It is necessary for a healthy relationship with myself.
I will not lie to myself. If i cheat, I cheat. I will not make excuses for myself. I will not play victim. I will take ownership of my choices. I have the power to choose. I will not quit.
I have 30 days. (or 31. How many days are there in March?) I will give myself this time for change.